I’m not in a great position, but am better off than most Americans. I have no debt. I own an apartment and the mortgage is paid off. I have about a year’s salary saved and more in stocks—mostly blue chips which have plummeted—and earn around 70k a year working from home and only have to pay $500 a month in maintenance fees for my apartment, which includes everything except for the internet.
In other words, I’m not at the point where a financial hit would cripple me, which is fortunate, because in April I paid 11k in taxes, 3k to a dentist (and I have dental insurance), and the place I bought cigarettes for $12 a pack was shut down by the police. Cigarettes cost $18 a pack legally, and are about to go up to $21 a pack starting May 1, 2024.
Groceries are also more expensive, and while I am one of the luckier ones, it still hurts to take a 14k hit in a month and to acknowledge other disasters will arise in the future. No matter how much I save, and I save over 50% of my income, I’ll probably never be able to retire. I won’t be homeless (knock on wood) but the first person to notice I’m dead will probably be one of my managers.
Still, I need at least the illusion of a possible escape, or a few years of freedom from labor in relatively good health, so I’ve done the unthinkable.
I’ve stopped drinking beer during weekdays, because while beer is still cheap, I smoke more when I drink.
I’ve also become a complete scumbag and started to vape. It’s $20 for the equivalent of 3 to 4 packs of cigarettes, and while it hasn’t completely supplanted cigarettes, I’m down to 2 or 3 cigarettes a day.
Honestly, I am tired, as I’m not used to this, and I’m only halfway through my dental ordeal and the temporary tooth is barking, but my lungs—after an initial bit of pain—haven’t felt this good in a decade, I feel better mentally and physically in general, and having an addictive personality applies to exercising as well. I always exercised, but it’s easier without a hangover, and it makes it easier to fall asleep at night.
I’m reading and studying more, and feel less flustered while working. I know drinking and smoking ultimately increase your stress, but knowing and feeling are different.
So while I care even less about work, which is good, it hasn’t been all sunshine and roses. Beer made the workday fly by, and my job is both boring and painstaking. I had already stopped ordering takeout months ago, and it troubles me that a single person in my position taking home about 6 times as much as I pay to keep my apartment can’t really afford to smoke cigarettes or ever feel safe.
Everyday, another natural disaster makes me question the point of saving or even working at all. There’s a good probability that I’ll end up in ruins or living—or my more likely dying—in a cave no matter what I do.
This is the part of sobriety that always undoes me. I can see the world more clearly, and it’s harder to laugh at the greed and stupidity because it’s going to kill me, too. I feel ridiculous working while the earth quakes and the city floods.
Still, I’m looking forward to finally resolving this stupid tooth problem. As a general rule, as long as I’m not in physical pain, I don’t really give a shit, and while the pain is mild, it is chronic, and warrants something stronger than ibuprofen.
I don’t believe in positive thinking, but I do acknowledge that things could be worse, so I continue to save and scrimp as the dollar depreciates. I live on pasta, potatoes, and whatever meat—usually chicken—is on sale.
And I vape, which I vowed never to do, but in a world of rotten choices, there aren’t any feasible alternatives. I tell myself family is keeping me here, but it’s really inertia. I’ve been all over the world and I always end up back in NYC.
So I’ll vape and keep on eating potatoes and working even as the flood water reaches my feet, but at least I’ll get this stupid tooth fixed and the decreased second-hand smoke will extend the lifespan of my cat. The best case scenario is that my cat and my mother outlive me, as I don’t want to deal with the heartache and especially the paperwork, and hopefully we’ll all die before the world kills us, although like a movie—even a bad one you’re forced to watch—I’d like to see the end.
The day when billionaires realize their money is worthless on the earth we’ve poisoned and people stop working bullshit jobs because they’ve finally had enough and there’s no civilization left to support anyway.
I’d like to see that day, and hopefully die in my sleep immediately afterwards.
So I’m going to watch the Knicks game and have a few beers, and maybe even smoke a couple of real cigarettes. I made it to Thursday night, which is a massive improvement, and no one ever accused me of being perfect.
As long as I don’t think about anything too supposedly important or try to impose any reason on life, or accept that we’re just apes doing pointless destructive chores that make us miserable and the world is unfathomable, I can live with it. I’ll occasionally rage against it and try to fix it while knowing this is futile because it’s in my nature, but knowing it won’t make a difference actually makes me feel better. If I could actually do anything and I didn’t, I’d be miserable.
The only thing still bothering me is my damn tooth, but after a few more beers, that will stop, too.
Karo syrup in gas tanks is said to work wonders against the industrial equipment currently destroying this world. In case anyone wants to do anything besides just wait around for the end.
I had been a two pack/day Camel, non filter smoker. I haven't had a cigarette in ten years, but still vape and suck on nicotine lozenges. No urge to smoke, though I do love the smell on the street from others who do. Giving up cigarettes and beer while maintaining your intellect and awareness is no easy task. Hang in there; I'm, pulling for you - for whatever that's worth. But take care of that tooth ASAP. I realize the pain is a distraction from the perpetual ennui, there are betters means of distraction.